


Maybe The Fog Will Lift

by IBoatedHere



Category: Turn (TV 2014)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Diners, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Background Abe/Mary, Background Anna/Selah, M/M, Minor Character Death, Mutual Pining, Pining, Slow Build, Teacher Ben, Waiter Caleb, this was supposed fluffy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-30
Updated: 2016-05-12
Packaged: 2018-06-05 08:38:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6697729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IBoatedHere/pseuds/IBoatedHere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben ducks into the diner to get out of the cold.<br/>He unpacked his heavy coat but his gloves are still lost in one of the boxes that are neatly lined up against beige wall in his apartment. The door is closing slowly shut behind him, allowing errant snowflakes in that twirl around him as he wipes his feet on the mat. The bell above the door dings when it finally closes and a man with dark hair and a full beard holding a half empty coffee pot tells him to ‘take a seat wherever you want’ in a bright, lilting accent.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Ben ducks into the diner to get out of the cold. 

He unpacked his heavy coat but his gloves are still lost in one of the boxes that are neatly lined up against beige wall in his apartment. 

The door is closing slowly shut behind him, allowing errant snowflakes in that twirl around him as he wipes his feet on the mat. The bell above the door dings when it finally closes and a man with dark hair and a full beard holding a half empty coffee pot tells him to _"take a seat wherever you want"_ in a bright, lilting accent.

He’s walked by Sacketts Diner everyday since he got to the city and this is his first time in. It’s nice. It looks clean and warm. There’s bits of Americana decorating the walls. It looks like a Norman Rockwell painting with a bit of an edge.

There’s a booth open in the back next to a window and the entrance to the kitchen. There’s a three booth buffer between him and the next customer and that’s just enough space for him to relax.

He’s barely finished taking off his coat when there’s a mug of hot chocolate placed in front of him, steam curling around the marshmallow floating in the middle. 

“I didn’t order this.”

He looks up to see the guy with the accent standing next to the table smiling down at him still holding the coffee pot which is now full. 

“I know,” he reaches over and fills up the empty mug. “But you looked cold so I figured you might need a little extra, on the house. Do you want a candy cane?” He reaches into his apron and pulls one out. “We have a ton left over from Christmas so we’re kind of pushing them. It’s good in the hot chocolate and the marshmallow is homemade. A lot better than store bought.”

Ben’s staring at him but the guy looks unperturbed. He simply unwraps the candy and drops it into the chocolate with the curve of it bending over the top edge “Let it melt a little.” He drops a menu in front of him on the table. “I’ll let you look this over and I’ll be back to check on you. My name’s Caleb, I’ll be taking care of you.”

Caleb bounds off, refilling mugs and chatting with the other customers and Ben is cold all over from his hospitality. 

He didn’t used to be this way.

Three months ago he would have been flirting with him. Hard. Guaranteed he’d leave with his number. 

Caleb laughs across the restaurant and the sound carries. It fills up every free space. Three months ago he would’ve been making him laugh like that and loving it. 

Ben moved to the city right before the new year and two weeks after his father and brother died. He quit his job and they reluctantly let him go and wished him the best. It was hard for him to let go. Packing up and leaving his students right in the middle of the year like that but he couldn’t stay in that town a second longer. He couldn’t drive by his father’s empty house one more time. He couldn’t deal with the sympathetic looks and murmurs that followed him wherever he went. He couldn’t deal with how it would feel when they would end. People would move on, stop feeling sorry for him and stop thinking about him altogether. Someone else would have a tragedy in the family and Ben would still be carrying around the weight of his own grief. Ben’s friends already have their own problems. Anna’s newly married and Abe and Mary have a baby on the way. Abigail’s son is a freshman- very smart taking all AP classes, and Ben knows how time consuming that is. He works at a high school.

He worked in a high school. 

Ben packed up his things and took off to the city and hasn’t looked back. 

He got himself an apartment that was already furnished with the necessities. A bed, a couch, kitchen appliances. Most of his personal items are still in the boxes. He doesn’t have a solid timetable to officially move in. Things come out as he needs them and lately he doesn’t need a lot of things. 

“So, you decide on something yet?” Caleb’s back next to him, still smiling and Ben wishes he was back in his dull, little apartment. 

“I think I’m good with the coffee?” 

Caleb’s eyebrows pull together. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m not that hungry. I needed something to get me home.”

“Do you live around here?”

“Not too far,” Ben tells him. He has to take the subway but the station he needs is only a few blocks away.

“Good, that’s good. I don’t want you out there for too long without gloves.”

“I have them but I haven’t unpacked them.”

“So you’re new in town?”

Ben winces. “Relatively.”

“Well if you need anything just ask. I’ve lived here my whole life.”

“I think I just need the bill.”

Caleb’s not thrown by his tone at all. “Okay, no problem, you want a to-go cup for your hot chocolate? Keep your hands warm.”

“Yeah, fine,” he says as he opens his wallet and pulls out a twenty. “This’ll cover it, right?”

Caleb laughs. “Yeah. Yours and everyone’s in here with some left over. I’ll get your change.”

“Keep it.”

“No way, this is too much.”

“It’s fine.”

“All I did was pour your coffee.”

“I know.”

“I can get your change, it’ll only take a second.”

“It’s really okay. I promise. Keep it, please.”

Caleb slowly lowers the cash to his side.“Okay, thanks a lot.”

Ben nods and starts to put on his coat. 

“Do you still want that to-go cup?”

Ben sighs then puts on the strongest smile he can. “That would be great.”

There’s a smiley face on the paper cup when Caleb hands it over.

“I heated it up and put another marshmallow in there for you. Do you want an extra candy cane?”

Ben gives in and takes the cup and the candy. The heat radiates through the paper and into his hand. 

“Have a nice night, get home safe and come back sometime, alright?”

“I’m sure I will. Thanks for everything.”

“Find those gloves,” Caleb tells him and Ben raises his cup to him as he’s walking away.

The candy has melted enough to provide just a hint of peppermint as he drinks it. It keeps his hand warm the whole way home. 

When he gets there he digs through the boxes and finds the gloves. He puts them in his jacket pocket so he won’t forget them. 

Then he takes a shower and gets ready for bed like every other night. 

He stares up at the ceiling for an hour not even trying to fall asleep. That won’t come for hours. 

He leans over to the night table where he tossed the candy cane, unwraps it, breaks off a piece and pops it in his mouth. The peppermint competes with the taste of the wintergreen in his toothpaste for a bit before it finally overpowers it. 

 

*****

“Hey, you found your gloves.” 

It’s been a week since he was a the diner and he’s shocked Caleb remembers him. 

“I was worried. We’re on the tail end of winter but you know how it goes. Go on take a seat. I’ll be right with you.”

Ben gets the same booth he sat in before and watches Caleb make his way over to him, pausing at tables to ask if everything’s going alright and if they need anything. 

It gives Ben time to prepare what he’s going to say but he still flounders when Caleb strolls up and says “I’m glad you came back. I hope you’re actually going to eat something this time.”

“Probably.” He takes the menu from Caleb. “I haven’t eaten anything since noon.”

Caleb whistles. “And you’re just getting off work now?”

“No. I’m…” He didn’t want to have this conversation. He’s not sure he wanted to have any conversation. “I’m a substitute teacher, for now, until I find something more permanent, so I got out around three but then I wandered around for a bit. Kind of lost track of time.”

“I get it. You’re new to the city and that’s the best way to see it. You have to walk around. But you might have waited for warmer weather.”

“I have my gloves now.”

Caleb laughs, warm and loud and Ben feels some tension in him dissolve. 

“Take your time with the menu,” he tells him as he pours coffee. “I’ll be back or just wave me down.”

 

*****

Caleb’s not there the next time he comes back. Instead he gets waited on by a girl with long blonde hair tied back into a high ponytail. 

Her name tag says Julia. 

She’s at least five years younger than him but she still calls him _hun_ in a sweet, southern accent.

Julia is friendly and nice and he gives her a fifteen dollar tip. 

 

******

 

“That is a bright shirt.”

Caleb is in a fluorescent yellow t-shirt beneath his black apron. 

“Spring is right around the corner. I think we’re through the last of the snow now. Once this melts we’ll be in the clear.”

“I saw a bluebird in the park the other day.”

“Really? You know that’s good luck.”

“Is it?”

“I don’t know but why not?”

As he's walking away to another table Ben gets a burst of confidence and says “my name is Ben, by the way. I never told you. I just realized that.”

He sits down and feels stupid and he knows he's blushing. 

But Caleb smiles at him and says “nice to meet you, Ben.” 

*****

Julia is going to NYU. She’s originally from Alabama but wanted to see what the world had to offer so applied and got accepted and doesn’t have plans to go back. The snow has been a lot to handle and she’s spent an equal amount on books and winter clothes but she still loves it here. Ben hears all this from her and Caleb stands behind her tapping his foot against the linoleum tiles. 

He clears his throat and Julia rolls her eyes and turns around. 

“You have other tables.”

“He’s sitting in my area.”

“Since when?”

They stare at each other and Caleb’s eyebrows raise and even though Ben can’t see her face he can hazard a guess on hers based on the tension in her shoulders. 

“Fine,” she mutters at Caleb then spins on her heels to give Ben a huge smile. “I’ll see you around.” She winks and brushes past Caleb on her way to another table. 

“Sorry about that. She’s still learning the ropes,” Caleb tells him and all Ben can do is nod dumbly at him. 

 

*****

 

“Can I see the dessert menu?”

“Mixing it up today?”

“It was a long day.”

“Kids can be rough.” 

“It's the kids and the parents and the other teachers and sometimes I wonder why I even bother.”

“Hang in there.” He grabs a dessert menu off the counter. “If you want I can get you a job here. You know we're always looking for help.” He winks to let him know he's joking. 

“Thanks but I don't think I have the personality for it.”

“I think your personality is fine.”

“It's not like yours.” 

“You like my personality?”

“You're so….relaxed with everyone. They all get along with you and you get along with them. 

“You come in here at 8 o’clock at night when the place is almost empty. Stop in during the morning or lunch rush and you'll see plenty of people that don't like me. And plenty of people I don't like.” 

“Bet you're still nice to them though.”

“It's my job. I kind of have to be.” 

Ben hums and looks at the menu. This is all just a job. Caleb being nice to him isn't personal. 

“The best cake in the city is on 42nd and 8th, just far enough away from Times Square that it’s not annoying. It’s wedged between a Dunkin and a Starbucks and that’s the only way you’ll find it because there’s no sign out front. I don’t even think it has a name. I only found because I was pretty drunk one night and they kicked me out of Starbucks and I fell into the open door.”

“Are you sure you didn’t make this place up?”

“It’s real. I swear it. I’ve been back a ton of times. I’ve brought full cakes home with me. As many as I could carry successfully on the subway. That’s three cakes. I tried four one time and one fell and I still haven’t gotten over it. I thought about scraping it off the pavement but people were looking at me. Anyways, this place is a total hole in the wall. Looks like it’s about to be condemned. I don’t even know how they’re still operating. They might not be doing it legally, I don’t stick around to ask. I’ve tried everything this place has to offer and everything but this cake is total crap. Everything else is the worst thing you’ve ever eaten but this cake….this cake will change your life. I don’t know what they put in it.”

“Is it drugs? Because it kind of sounds like drugs.” 

Caleb laughs loud enough to draw attention them and it’s jarring. Ben’s not used to it. He’s not used to being the cause of someone else's joy. 

Caleb quiets and bumps his hip against Ben’s shoulder and Ben’s not used to that either. 

“It’s not,” he pauses for a second and Ben is hanging on it. “It might be. I don’t know, I told you I question nothing in there because I don’t want to know. The only thing I know for sure is how amazing the cake is. You have to try it. It’s umm,” Caleb falters and clears his throat like he’s unsure how to go on and that’s new too because Caleb’s never at a loss for words. “It’s a good place to bring a date, you know. It’ll really impress them.”

“Okay,” Ben says slowly. 

“Yeah. It’s nice. It’s...an experience.”

“Alright.”

“Okay, great,” Caleb smiles and he’s back to his old self. “You decide on anything to get here?” 

“Nah, changed my mind.”

“You're not getting anything?” 

“Not after you told me it was all sub par.”

Caleb barks out another laugh and Ben feels warm all over. 

When he comes back with the check there’s a phone number written on the bottom of Ben’s copy. 

“That’s my number,” Caleb tells him as Ben takes the receipt. “Just in case you go to that place and you can’t find it or whatever...just call or text and I’ll help you out.”

“It’s between a Dunkin and a Starbucks? I think I can find it.”

“Okay,” Caleb focuses on clearing the plates, “I just thought…”

Ben folds the receipt and puts in in his wallet. 

Then he pulls out enough cash to pay for his bill three times over. 

 

*****

 

He finds the place without any problem so he doesn’t need to text Caleb. 

He did put the number in his phone just in case.

The owner, Ben guesses, he’s the only other person in the place, watches him as he sits down at an uneven table on a stool made of three milk crates stacked on top of each other to eat his cake. It’s just as good as Caleb said it would be and he starts to take out his phone to text him when the guy behind the counter clears his throat and points to a sign that says _no cell phones allowed_ with the eight inch knife he used to cut the cake. 

Ben’s scared into submission and slides his phone deep into his pocket before he devours the rest of the the slice. 

 

*****

 

“I went to that restaurant you told me about. The one with the cake.” 

“Oh yeah!” Caleb's so excited his hand jumps and some coffee spills over the side of the mug. Ben moves to mop it up with a napkin but Caleb's already there with a towel he keeps tucked into his apron. “How was it?”

“It was good.”

“Good? It's life changing. It makes all other cake taste like garbage. It makes you avoid the aisle in the grocery store with the box mixes because you know they’ll only bring disappointment but you tell me it's good. Unbelievable. Did you take anyone like I told you to?”

“No.”

“Why not? No one caught your eye yet?”

“It's kind of the other way around.”

Caleb glances him. “I don't believe that.”

“I don't get out much. I go to work and come here. I don’t have much of an opportunity to meet people.”

“Maybe you just need to look a little harder.” 

******

“Now the best burger is over on 3rd between 33rd and 32nd.”

“This one is fine.”

“You can’t settle for fine, Ben. You gotta be great.”

“Why don’t you suggest a change to these burgers? Make them more like the ones all the way across town.”

“I’ve tried that but Sackett always says the exact same thing. He says _‘young man I was making food long before you got here and I’ll still be making it long after you’re gone, now get out of my kitchen'_ What is that even supposed to mean?”

“Sounds foreboding.”

“Sounds like a threat. I’ve given up trying to change him. So about those burgers all the way across town…”

“How does Sackett feel about you sending people to go eat in other restaurants?”

Caleb shrugs one shoulder. “You always come back.”

*****

“Did you always want to be a teacher?”

It’s late and Caleb’s been working double shifts lately so he takes his break after he sets Ben’s meal down. He doesn’t ask if it’s okay, just slides into the booth across for him and stretches his legs out so they bump against Ben’s. 

“I don’t know. I guess I kind of fell into it. Did you always want to be a waiter?”

“If you’re seriously making fun of me right now I don’t appreciate it.”

“I’m just wondering.”

Caleb flicks his straw wrapper at him and Ben picks it out of his fries.

“What did you want to do when you were little?”

Caleb blows out a breath. “Mainly I wanted to cause trouble.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I was kind of a shitty kid. I wanted to cause problems for everyone. Didn’t listen to anyone. A total nightmare.”

“What changed?”

“Graduated and my uncle got sick so I figured it was time to grow up. It was too late to apply to college and with my record-.”

“Your record?”

Caleb sits up straight and looks down at his hands, clearly uncomfortable. 

“It’s nothing serious. Just stupid kid stuff, you know? But it was enough for this place to be the only one that would hire me.”

“I never would’ve guessed.”

“It’s not something you brag about.”

“You’re doing okay now, though. How’s your uncle.”

“Good days and bad but he’s hanging in there.”

Ben feels like he should say something supportive and uplifting but Caleb’s pushing himself to his feet before he can figure it out. 

“Well, back to work.”

*****

It’s unseasonably warm for mid-May and Ben comes in with his tie undone and first few buttons unbuttoned on his shirt and his sleeves rolled up to his elbows. 

Julia and Caleb greet him as he walks in, look him up and down, then accidentally walk into each other and empty dishes go flying. 

“You okay?” Ben asks as he bends down to help them.

“Fine,” Julia answers.

“Just clumsy,” Caleb says. “Is it hot out?”

“Brutal and they haven’t turned the AC on in the school yet so I was like this all day.”

“That sucks,” Julia says as she scoops up the rest of the shards.

“Must be hell,” Caleb agrees and takes the spoons and forks out of Ben’s hands. “We’ll be right back, we have to get rid of these,” he finishes quickly and practically pushes her through the doors to the kitchen. 

 

*****

Ben opens the door to Sacketts at the same time Caleb comes barreling out and Ben has to catch him by the arms to make sure they both don’t hit the ground.

“Sorry, I’m sorry,” Caleb tells him once he figures out who he almost took down. He sounds frantic and Ben holds his arms tighter.

“Slow down, are you okay?”

“No, I mean I’m fine but I have to go.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Ben, I can’t…” He shakes his arms free and Ben steps back. “I’m sorry, I just really have to go. I’ll talk to you later.”

He takes off running down the street, almost getting hit by a cab as he jaywalks. 

Julia is standing at the door when her arms crossed over her chest when Ben turns around. She’s been watching Caleb too, bright red lips pulled down at the corners. She takes a deep breath then reaches for Ben’s arm to pull him through the door. 

“You’re in the way, sweetheart.”

There’s a short line of people standing behind him who wave off his apology.

Julia loops her arm around his and leads him to his normal table.

“What’s going on with him?”

“Oh,” she sighs as Ben sits down. “It’s his uncle. He’s been sick for awhile. Longer than I’ve been working here and Caleb just got a call about him. He didn’t tell us anything just that he had to go right away.”

“What’s wrong with him?”

“I don’t know. Caleb doesn’t talk about it much. You know how he is, always making a joke about something. Even when he’s annoyed about something he’s still fooling around. It’s just so concerning to see him so openly upset,” she hands him a menu and pats his shoulder, letting her hand linger just a moment too long. “I’m sure everything’ll work out. Now what can I get for you?” 

 

*****

It’s probably too late to text him. It’s almost midnight. After the day he had he’s probably in bed and if something really awful happened he’s not going to want to talk, especially not to a customer. 

Ben: Everything okay?

He hits sends and watches the bar slowly move across the top of the screen. Then he tries to stop it from happening. He read somewhere about putting it on airplane mode to cancel it but his fingers don’t cooperate and before he can even get out of the text screen it dings telling him it’s been successfully sent. 

“Shit, shit, shit.”

He drops the phone on the pillow and waits for Caleb to text back or to fall asleep. 

Two minutes later his phone buzzes and he almost sends it sliding off the comforter trying to grab it. 

Caleb:  
Yes, it’s fine. Stuff with my uncle but he’s okay.

Ben:  
I know. Julia told me.

Ben:  
Don’t get mad at her. I asked. She didn’t give me any details. I was worried.

Caleb:  
It’s okay, not mad. Sorry I worried you.

Ben doesn’t know where to go next.

Caleb:  
He had a reaction to some new medication but they figured it out and he’s doing a lot better. 

Ben:  
Okay good, I’m glad.

Ben hates how awkward he is at this. Absolutely hates it. 

Caleb:  
Do you always stay up this late?

Ben:  
Sorry, I should let you go.

Caleb:  
I was just wondering. You’re not keeping me up.

The little dots pop up letting him know Caleb’s typing but then they disappear.

Ben:  
This is actually pretty early for me.

Caleb:  
Night owl? 

An emoji of a chick pops up. Ben cocks his head to the side. 

Caleb:  
Sorry, that’s the closest I could find to an owl. Oh.

He sends a rooster and a dove and a turkey and Ben laughs as another emoji comes through. It’s just the head of a grey bird. 

Caleb:  
Whatever that is.

Ben:  
I think it’s a pigeon.

Caleb:  
How is there no owl??

Ben:  
There’s no taco either.

Caleb:  
You want to know the best place for tacos in the city….

Ben:  
OH WAIT THERE IS A TACO. 

Ben:  
But tell me anyways.

 

*****

The last thing Caleb sends to him before he falls asleep is screen long string of the Stonehenge emoji.

******

He asks the last class he subs for what it means when someone sends you emojis in a text. 

The kids all pop their heads up and it’s dead silence before one of them answers.

“You mean like the eggplant emoji?”

Ben shakes his head and responds with “you know what, never mind.”

******

Caleb’s talking to a woman and her teenage daughter when Ben walks in but Caleb lifts his head and smiles at him when he hears the bell above the door chime. 

“Thanks for texting me last night,” Caleb tells him quietly as he pours his coffee.

“No problem. I’m glad everything worked out. I’m glad you texted back.”

The soft smile lingers on Caleb’s face the whole time Ben eats his dinner. 

 

******

“Okay, what is your deal?”

“What?”

“You've been coming in here daily for three months and I've been patiently waiting for you to tell me your life story and you've given me next to nothing so I figured I better be blunt. What is your deal?”

“I don't think I really have one.”

“Everyone has one.”

“It's not interesting. High school, college, job. Same story a lot of people have.” 

“Where’d you go to college?”

“Yale.”

“Well that’s something.”

“It’s not that big of a deal.”

Caleb’s looking at him with narrowed eyes and a lips pressed together before his face breaks out into exaggerated disappointment.

“Fine, fine, if you don’t want to tell me about yourself I’ll just leave me alone.”

“Wait,” Ben reaches out for him but doesn't manage to touch him. It doesn't matter, Caleb's sliding into the booth across from him and smiling. “What do you want to know?”

“Are you a prince?”

“What?”

“Or an heir? Are you famous and I’m just not placing you?”

“I’m a teacher. You know that.”

“That could be side thing or a cover story. You don’t have to worry. I’m not going to tell anyone that you’re coming here if you want to fly under the radar or want time off or if you’re fresh out of rehab or something. Your secret is safe with me.”

“There’s no secret. Why would you think that?”

“Because you always over tip. You’ve dropped twenties on a bill for two dollars and you to it consistently.Even when I don’t deserve even a fifteen percent tip. Even when you have to sit at a booth next to a crying kid or you have to wait a half an hour just to sit down.”

“Neither of those things are your fault.”

“I don’t always serve you on time. When it’s busy it takes me a bit to get to you and I know you won’t get mad so you’re the one I get to last. I take advantage of how nice you are to me.”

“That’s actually really smart.”

“How does a substitute teacher have that much money to spare all the time. It doesn't make sense. Something’s up.”

Ben’s quiet so Caleb keeps going.

“You don’t have to tell me anything but if you want to I’m here.”

“I’m not famous and I’m not a prince. It’s an inheritance.”

“So you had a rich great uncle that died.”

“I had a rich father that died.”

“Oh.”

“Only I didn’t know he was rich until after. He invested and saved and my mother died when I was little so he kept it a secret. The only people that knew were his lawyer, his financial advisor, and the guy at the bank.”

“What happened?”

“He and my brother met me for dinner one night, they drove together, and on the way back…”

“Your brother?”

“I got the full inheritance. Don’t feel sorry for me. My family died and I got two million dollars.”

“Two million?”

“That sounded cold. I didn’t mean it that way. I just meant...I don’t know. I haven’t really talked about it. It only happened a little before Christmas.”

“Shit.”

“I mean it, don’t feel sorry for me.”

“You have two million dollars?”

“About that. That’s what’s left after I paid for the funerals and donated a chunk of it to the school I used to work at to say sorry for leaving them so quickly. But did it anonymously so they don’t know it was me. I paid off all my student loans which I had to take out because my dad didn’t help me at all and I understand that, I do, he wanted me to work for it and his money wasn’t my money so he didn’t need to pay for it but I almost quit so many times because it was getting to be too much. He didn’t even offer to pay for my train ticket when I came home to visit. So I have the money and his house upstate which is basically worthless because he didn’t use any of the money to keep up with renovations. It needs a lot of work. Probably wouldn’t sell even if I tried to sell it. So.”

“You have two million dollars and you’re eating crappy burgers and cake from no named restaurants that I send you to?”

“The burgers and the cake were really good.”

“Why aren’t you like….living it up?”

“I can’t just blow the money. Two million isn’t really a lot.”

Caleb scoffs.

“That’s not how I meant it. God, why can’t I ever say the right thing to you?”

“You-.”

“I just mean that I’m taking a lot of money in. If I spent it on everything little thing I wanted it would be gone.”

“So you don’t spend it on anything?”

“I’ve been donating it but the financial adviser my dad had is still working with me and he’s investing it so it kind of keeps growing. I don’t know a lot about it. I don’t really care. I don’t know what to do with any of it.”

“Poor little rich boy.”

Ben frowns and Caleb covers his hand with his own. 

“I’m teasing you. Thank you for telling me.”

“I haven’t told anyone. I don’t have a lot of people to talk to. Or anyone to talk to. All my friends from back home have their own lives and own problems. It’s hard to feel sympathetic for someone in my situation.”

“Just because you have money doesn't replace what you lost.”

“I know. I don’t want to be a burden on anyone. We all have our own things. I haven’t made any friends here so-.”

He stops when Caleb squeezes his hand. “I’m your friend. I’ll listen to whatever you want to talk about.”

“You're a therapist now? Is that going to cost me extra?”

Caleb shrugs. “It’s part of the job. Everyone knows waiters are just like therapists.”

“I think that’s what they say about bartenders.”

“Do you want something because I know Sackett has a secret stash in the kitchen.”

Ben laughs and takes a sip from his coffee. It’s ice cold and his eyes dart around the room. There are about fifteen customers left.

“Don’t you have to get back to work? You’ve been sitting with me a for awhile.”

“You were my last customer. I got off at 9.”

“I didn’t mean to keep you here.”

“I asked for it. It’s okay.”

“Caleb.”

“It’s alright, Ben,” he squeezes his shoulder when he stands and walks to the register to grab his bill. 

“You were aiming for an even bigger tip, huh?” Ben’s joking as he takes out his wallet but there’s no humor in Caleb’s voice when he answers.

“I didn’t do this for the money, Ben.”

Still Ben takes two tens and a five out of his wallet and hands them to Caleb.

“Keep the change.”

“Ben, your bill was six something.”

“I know. I don’t care. Just keep it. Please.”

Caleb sighs heavily and but takes the cash. Their fingers brushing as they move.

“I’ll be right back. Let me walk you to the subway.”

He puts the money in the register and says something to Julia. Julia frowns at him and tells him something very quickly then reaches out and pinches Caleb’s arm when he laughs at her. She scowls then smiles brightly at Ben over Caleb’s shoulder. 

They walk together in silence until they get to the station. 

“I don’t know why you said you weren’t interesting. You’re the most interesting person I’ve ever met.”

Ben bounces on the balls of his feet and jams his hands into his coat pocket. Nervous tics. 

“I’m not. I’m just the richest person you’ve ever met.”

“That’s actually not true. Kelly Ripa uses the same bank I do and I held the door open for her once. She said thanks so we’re basically best friends.”

Ben laughs softly and scuffs his feet against the wet pavement to distract himself from how fast his heart is beating at the way Caleb is looking at him, all soft and warm and it’s really no different from the way he looks at anyone else but no one else is around and Caleb’s not working- he’s not trying to get a good tip. It’s cold enough for their breath to fog in front of them and Ben feels like they should be kissing. In the cold and the rain and the warmth from Caleb’s eyes they should be kissing. 

“Julia has a crush on you.” 

It’s not what Ben was expecting to hear from him right now.

“Yeah, I kind of figured.”

“You could tell?”

“It’s not that hard to figure out.”

Caleb’s shoulders tense. “She’s cute.”

Ben gives him an incredulous look. “She’s very young.”

“I think she’s 19.”

“I teach high school. Those kids are only a year younger than her. She’s still a kid.”

“Alright. That’s why she was so weird when I left. I told her I was leaving with you. I just wanted to make sure you knew I didn’t tell her anything about you. You know, your situation.”

“Thanks.”

“I’ll smooth it over with her tomorrow if you want. Let her down easy.”

“Thanks but don’t make her feel bad. I mean it’s kind of flattering. I don’t even know the last time someone had a crush on me.”

Caleb studies him. Shoulders still tense and Ben feels incredibly uncomfortable under his watchful gaze. “Are you kidding me?”

“No. It feels nice.”

Caleb’s still watching him as he takes a deep breath in. Ben still wants to kiss him.

“I have to catch my train. I’m downtown.”

“I’m up.”

“What a surprise.”

“My apartment isn’t-.”

Caleb shuts him up when he wraps his arms around his shoulders and pulls him flush against his body. 

When Ben doesn't react Caleb leans back and holds him at an arm's length. 

“Sorry, do you not like to be touched? I didn't even think about it.”

“No, it's okay,” he refuses to let Caleb go. “It just has’t happened…”

The last time anyone hugged him was at the funeral. “It hasn't happened in awhile. But it's okay, really.” 

He drags him back in and slumps against Caleb's body. Caleb gladly takes the weight. 

They stand their on the empty street at ten o’clock at night with a light rain falling and Ben lets himself be held. 

“You know I’m sure Julia would do this for you at anytime.”

Ben shoves Caleb away from him with force and Caleb laughs as he trips over his own feet. Ben scrubs his hand over his face.

“Why’d you have to ruin our moment?”

“We were having a moment?”

Ben, feeling braver and bolder than he has in a long time says “you know we were.”

Caleb’s a few feet away-out of arm’s reach- but Ben can still see him swallow and the way his throat works around it. 

Caleb looks like he wants to take a step forward and Ben wouldn't hesitate to meet him in the middle. 

“Have a good night Ben.”

Ben tries to hide the disappointment in his voice when he says “you too.” 

 

******

Caleb taps his pen against the pad of paper instead of writing down Ben’s order.

“Caleb?”

“I have the weekend off and I was wondering if you wanted-.”

“I’m actually going home tomorrow.”

Caleb’s eyes widen and Ben quickly says “Upstate. Not home and just for the weekend. I’m going to check on my dad's house. See how it held up over the winter.” Before he can think better of it he adds, “do you want to come with me?”

“Oh.”

“I haven’t been back since….I haven’t been back. You don’t have to.”

“No, no, I’ll go. If you want me.”

“I don’t know if I can do it by myself,” and Ben knows that’s not what he means to say. It’s not the accurate reply to because the only accurate reply to that is ,em> god yes . 

“Okay then. I’ll go.”

“I want to leave early to beat traffic, if that’s okay?”

“That’s fine. I didn’t know you had a car.”

“I don’t but I think I can afford to rent one.”

*****

It’s still dark out when he picks Caleb up and by the time they cross the GW Bridge out of the city Caleb is sleeping against the passenger side window.

Ben keeps his eyes on the road at all times. It’s a rental and his father and his brother….and if anything happened to Caleb Ben would never come back from that but it’s hard with Caleb curled into the passenger seat in sweatpants and a sweatshirt with the hood up and snoring softly.

He stops off 87 near Woodbury for coffee. When he gets back to the car Caleb’s awake and looking a little disoriented. 

“Afraid I left you here?” Ben asks as he carefully hands over a coffee and a donut. 

“You do have the money to ditch the car and get a new one. You should’ve let me buy this.”

“It’s fine.”

“At least let me give you gas money.”

“Caleb, really. It’s okay. You came with me, that’s enough.”

“You know you don’t have to buy my friendship. I’d be here no matter what.”

“I know.”

“Do you?”

Ben starts the car.

They only have an hours drive left.

*****

The house looks exactly the same. There’s some fallen limbs in the driveway from the heavy snowfall but it’s nothing the rented SUV can’t drive over. He’ll clean it up later. 

“At least the roof didn’t cave in from the snow,” Ben says, mostly to himself as he put the car in park and shuts it off.

“That was a possibility?”

“I don’t ever remember the roof getting done. We had a lot of snow. Do you think someone would’ve called me if it did?”

“You don’t have a lot of neighbors.”

“Next one is a half mile down the road.” He rests his head against the steering wheel then pushes himself to get out of the car. Caleb’s door closes at the exact same time his does.

“It’s a nice location,” he says as he looks out over the small lake next to the house. The docks falling apart. “Did your dad have a boat?”

“There’s a canoe in the garage. I think there’s a hole in it.”

Ben’s stopped at the bottom of the stairs looking up and Caleb almost collides with him. He puts his hand in the middle of his back and leans in.

“Do you want me to go in? You can wait out here or in the car. I’ll make sure the lights still turn on and the water runs and then we can go. It’s no problem.”

There’s a bird chirping in one of the trees and the distance sound of cars on the road up the driveway and the sound of gravel and leaves crunching beneath Caleb’s feet as he moves to stand in front of him. 

“No, I can do it. I should do it.”

He nods a few times and Caleb shifts to the side to let him pass.

The key turns and the door sticks so Ben has to shoulder his way in. 

It’s dark and musty inside and Ben’s a little surprised when he flips the switch and the hallway light comes on.

“Help me get the windows open. Air the place out.”

Caleb takes the kitchen where he turns on the water at the tap. Ben hears it running as he opens all the windows in the living room. 

When Ben joins him in the kitchen Caleb is standing straight against the door jam leading to the back deck. He's trying to compare his height to the marks on the wall his father took of him and his brother as they grew. 

Ben crosses his arms and watches him try to line up the top of his head with the wall. 

“What do you think?”

“I’m as tall as you were when you were fourteen.”

“We all hit that growth spurt at different times.”

“I think mine missed me completely.”

Ben smiles as he sits down heavily at the kitchen table. There's a thin coating of dust across the top of it and that's the only thing keeping him from resting his head against it. 

“How are you doing?”

“I don't know. There's an upstairs.”

“I'll take care of it. Why don't you go get the bags.” 

“I'll have to go up there sometime.”

“I know,” Caleb calls. The stairs squeak and groan as he climbs them. 

******

They do a lot of yard work. 

Caleb helps him clear the driveway and Ben helps him get the canoe out of the shed.

“It doesn't look too bad,” Caleb tells him. 

“It’s all yours.”

“What am I going to do with a canoe in the city?”

“Just keep it here.”

“You’re keeping the place?”

“I don’t know yet. Part of me thinks I should just let it go and the other thinks I should keep it. I can’t imagine someone else living here. I forgot how quiet it was up here. It’s kind of nice,” he shrugs and pats Caleb on the back. “Should probably fix the dock up first.”

*****

Caleb’s just headed back from looking at the dock when Ben gets a text. 

Anna:  
Heard you were home. Come over for dinner tonight. We miss you.

Ben:  
I have someone with me.

Anna:  
Bring him with.

Ben:  
How do you know it’s a him?”

Anna:  
Bring him.

“It’s in rough shape. Might have to tear it down and start over,” he says over his shoulder as he washes his hands. “If you want to. If you think you’re going to use it.”

“Do you want dinner?”

“Do you have anything here?”

“No, my friend just invited us over.”

“You want to go?”

There’s nothing to eat in the house.

“I don’t really have anything else to do.”

*****

Anna meets them in the driveway, barefoot in jeans and a t-shirt with her hair up in a knot at the top of her head. Selah’s on the porch with his hands in his pockets.

Ben hugs her and Caleb shakes her hand and dinner is ready for them on the table right when they walk in. 

Caleb fits right in and it’s unsurprising. He tries to fill in all the silences Ben knows Anna expects him to fill but doesn’t want to until Anna’s had enough of it. 

“How long are you two staying?”

“Just for the weekend,” Caleb answers and Anna doesn’t look up from her plate when she speaks. 

“Ben, have you seen Abe and Mary yet? You should go see Thomas. He’s adorable. Or at least Abigail and Cicero, you know he’s always looked up to you.”

“We just got here this morning.”

“What did you do all day?”

“Fixed up the house. Or tried too.”

“You’ll be back won’t you?”

“I don’t know.”

“I bet the high school would give you your job back. I know they’re short staffed and they loved having you.”

Ben drops his fork and clears his throat and feels the tension build in the room. 

Selah and Caleb start talking about the city, apparently he and Anna were planning to head down for a long weekend and need tips around where to stay and eat and what to do, and it helps ease the mood. 

“What are you doing for dinner tomorrow?”

“I don’t know. We’ll be home by then.”

There’s finality laced in his voice that’s come from years of quieting students down after the bells rung. 

“Don’t use your teacher voice on me,” Anna snaps.

“Anna,” Selah slides his hand over hers and Ben stands and picks up his plate. Caleb starts to but Ben eases him back down with a look he hopes he understands. Caleb doesn't follow him into the kitchen so he must. 

Ben puts his dishes in the sink, leans on the counter, takes a deep breath, then runs the water to start washing. 

Ben is up to his elbows in sudsy water when Anna comes in with the rest of the plates. 

“I sent Seleh and Caleb out onto the porch with wine. Said we’d meet them out here when we’re done.”

Ben nods and keeps scrubbing. 

“How long have you two-.”

“We’re not,” Ben cuts her off too quickly and she pops her hip against the counter. “Anna, please, I can’t deal with this right now.”

“Why not?”

“Because,” he snaps and Anna takes a step back. Thank god Selah and Caleb are out on the porch. 

“You’re allowed to be happy, Ben. What happened-.”

Ben puts his hand up. “I don’t want to talk about that.”

“We’re worried about you. All of us. You take off for the city and don’t talk to any of us until now. 

Ben shakes his head.

“I don’t mean to make you feel guilty. You really should go see the baby.”

“His name is Abe, don’t be rude.”

There’s a pregnant pause before Anna dissolves into giggles and wraps her arms around Ben’s waist with her chin hooked over his shoulder. He holds her back as best as he can with soapy hands.

“We missed you, Ben.”

“Sorry.”

She hugs him tighter and someone clears their throat behind them. 

“Sorry to interrupt,” Caleb says diverting his eyes to the floor.

Ben spins away from Anna.

“You’re not.”

“What do you need, Caleb?”

He holds up the empty wine bottle. “Just wanted to know if there was anymore?”

“My dear,” Anna says as she opens the cabinet next to the fridge. She pulls out a bottle of red and hands it over. “The one thing we are never short on in his house is alcohol. Head on out and we’ll join you two in a minute.”

She waits until she hears the door close before she turns back to him. 

“Caleb’s really great even if you two aren’t….whatever.”

******

They’re both a little wine drunk when they get back to his father’s house. 

The windows had been left open all day so there’s a chill in the air that gives them goosebumps on their arms as they move from room to room closing them. 

They meet up at the base of the stairs and Caleb goes up first. Ben blames the alcohol when he trips and and puts his hands on Caleb’s hips to steady himself. Caleb stills for a second but then keeps moving and Ben keeps his hands on him, fingers digging into his skin over his soft shirt. 

“You can take my old room. I need to put sheets on the bed.”

“I already did that.”

At the top of the stairs Ben pushes him towards the wall and steps in close. “What?”

“I put the sheets on already.”

The rush of affection he feels cuts straight through the wine. It’s unbelievable to him that he has someone standing right here that’s taking care of him. 

Their noses bump and Caleb shivers. All the windows are still open upstairs. 

“I didn’t thank you for coming with me.”

They share a breath.

“You don’t need to.”

“You came all this way and helped me clean this place up. You went to dinner with my friends. You watched me be an asshole to my friend.”

Caleb laughs quietly.

“I’m not usually like that. I try not to be.”

“You’re under a bit of stress. I think it’s understandable.”

“It’s not a good excuse. I want to be better. I want to be how I used to be.”

“You’ll get there.”

Ben takes a deep breath and says “I feel better when I’m around you.”

He takes a step back right as Caleb reaches for him.

Caleb’s hands are up between them, fingers spread out like they were ready to cup his jaw or move through his hair. They hang there for a moment both of them watching as he balls them into fists and drops them to his side like he suddenly can’t trust them anywhere else. 

He moves so his back is flat against the wall. There’s color high on his cheeks that has nothing to do with the wine. 

Ben starts to say his name but Caleb slides against the wall and into the room, shutting the door behind him. 

*****

Ben tosses and turns in his father’s room.

He thinks about Caleb down the hall tucked into his old, twin sized bed. 

The door is cracked open now but the room is pitch black. He hesitates outside of it when his hand on the door debating pushing it all the way open or not. 

His hand drops away and goes down the stairs. There’s nothing he can do to stop them from creaking beneath his weight. 

The couch is lumpy and old. He knows it’s been here since before he was born. There are photos of his mother sitting on it with Sam in her lap in one of the photo albums. Maybe that’ll be his goal for tomorrow. Really start going through things. Some stuff has to be thrown out, he knows it. There are boxes of Sam’s belongings in garage he need to look at too. Even with Caleb’s help he knows it’s going to take more than a weekend. 

The sound of the top stair makes him catches his attention and he rolls over and watches Caleb come down. 

He stands on the bottom step looking unsure. Ben sits up. 

“Can't sleep?” 

Ben shakes his head and Caleb pads over, bare feet against the hardwood. 

“Does the TV work?”

“I haven't paid the cable bill in months.”

“Man, with your money you could put a home theater system in here. Surround sound and everything.” 

Caleb sits down on the far side and curls his hand over his shoulder to gently bring Ben’s head down against his thigh. Caleb digs his fingers through his hair, fingernails dragging lightly across Ben’s scalp. 

*****

There’s fog lifting off the water and Caleb’s bundled in his sweatshirt sitting at the end of the dock. 

Ben fills two cups of black coffee- there’s no milk or sugar in the house- and goes out to meet him as is. Flannel pants, t-shirt, no shoes. 

It’s chilly and his feet are filthy before he gets to the start of the dock. 

“Is this going to hold the two of us?”

Caleb’s head whips around like he hadn’t heard the screen door slam shut. He looks Ben over then nods his head and Ben slowly makes his way to him, careful to avoid spilling and splinters.

“This thing does need a lot of work,” he hands one mug off to Caleb then sits down. He doesn’t have that much clearance between his feet and the water. Caleb has a lot more. It’s endearing.Caleb takes a long sip while looking out over the water. Then he puts the mug down and braces his hands on either side of his thighs.

“What are you going to do? About the house.”

“I don’t know. I don’t want to sell it.”

“Then don’t. Fix it up. It would be a good summer home since you have them off.”

“You’ve given this more thought than I have.”

“I’m kind of being selfish about it though.”

“What do you mean?”

Caleb kicks his leg against Ben's. 

“I don't want you to leave the city. I like that you're always right there.”

Ben stares blankly at him and Caleb shakes his head. 

“I like you. A lot.”

“Oh.”

“I thought I was being obvious about it, you know? But at first I wasn't sure if you liked me back or if you could even be interested in me and I thought I'd figure it out for sure when I brought up Julia having a crush on you and then we had that moment….but then last night.”

“Caleb-.”

“If you don’t feel that way about me or if you changed your mind that okay, you’re still my friend and I’m still selfish because I want to see you everyday.”

Ben studies his profile and drops one hand off the warmth of the mug to cover Caleb’s on the dock. 

“I wanted to kiss you that night you walked me to the station.” 

Caleb faces him and Ben feels his hand grip the edge tighter beneath his own. 

“Really?”

“Yes. I wanted to and I would have but…”

“But what?”

“I don't think I'm a very good boyfriend. If I do this house I'm going to have to be up here a lot and I can be very single minded. Sometimes after teaching all day I don’t want to talk at all. I just want to be left alone. I can't tell you when the last time I went on a date was. I might not remember how to do it, like, who even pays? I only have one pillow on my bed and my couch is really uncomfortable.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“I just want to let you know. Is this really what you want to get into?”

“Yes. I’m not perfect either.”

“I think you are.”

Caleb smiles and plucks Ben’s coffee cup out his hand and sets it down next to his own. He puts one hand on Ben’s shoulder and the other cradles his face tipping it towards him and scratching his thumb against his two day stubble.

“Can I?” He asks and Ben nods as Caleb moves in the rest of the way. 

It’s short and sweet. A barely there brush of dry lips against dry lips but it’s absolutely everything Ben’s been looking for. 

Ben opens his eyes first and takes in the sweep of Caleb’s eyelashes over his cheek and his tongue swiping against his bottom lip trying to chase the tastes of Ben’s. He puts an arm around him and Caleb rests his head beneath Ben’s chin as they watch the last of the fog burn off the water.

It’s going to be a nice day.


	2. Chapter 2

“Stay.”

“I have to go.”

“No.”

Caleb rests his cheek between Ben's shoulder blades. “You know I have a shift at noon. I have to get going. I should've left 20 minutes ago.”

“I'll give you 100,000 dollars to stay.”

Caleb laughs, his breath warm against Ben's skin. “No.”

“200.

“Nope.”

“3.”

“Okay.”

He sounds serious and Ben twists to look at him. 

“I'm kidding,” he kisses the side of this face. “Go back to sleep.”

“No, I'll make you breakfast.”

“It's fine. I'll get something on the road.”

“I can make you coffee.”

Caleb pushes himself off the bed and grabs his jeans off the floor then looks around for a shirt in the chaos. 

“I'll let you do that. I'm taking a shower.”

Ben rests his head on his arm and waits for the shower to start before he gets up.

******

 

When they got back to the city then went on a date. 

Caleb took him to dinner at a restaurant with candles on the tables and dimmed lighting. They worked their way through a conversation that was quiet and shy but never awkward and Caleb kept bumping his foot against the inside of Ben’s ankles.

At the end Caleb grabbed the bill off the table before Ben could even make a reach for it. 

“At least let me leave the tip.”

“Knowing how you tip I’m sure the waitress would love it but it’s the principle of the thing. I’m doing this.”

Ben paid a few nights later. And then again a few nights after that, smiling at the waiter and ignoring the way Caleb scowled across the table at him.

The first five dates all ended the same. 

Caleb softly and slowly kissing him outside his apartment and leaving before Ben can ask him if he wants a drink upstairs.

“There’s no rush,” Caleb told him when Ben finally worked up the courage to ask about it. “Honestly I don’t want to feel like I’m pressuring you.”

“You’re not. You wouldn’t.”

Caleb smiled and pat his hand then moved onto the next table.

Taking it slow was nice. 

As much as Ben wanted to continue it further he wanted to keep those soft moments for as long as he could. He liked feeling butterflies every time Caleb bumped into him as they walked, shoulders and hands brushing against Ben’s as Ben tried to figure out if it was accidental or on purpose. He liked feeling the color on his cheeks after Caleb kissed him the final time before he whispered goodnight and started to walk away. He liked seeing the color on Caleb’s face illuminated by the streetlights as he turned around to look at Ben one last time. 

It took another week and a half for Ben to realize it was possible to have both at the sametime.

It was after they went out to dinner and watched this fresh faced, brand new, teenage waiter get screamed at by a middle aged man in a suit for mixing up his order. After the kid came over almost in tears and face flushed from embarrassment and sniffled his way through their order. He got it right that time but the damage was already done. 

Ben left him a thousand dollar tip, something Caleb didn’t even know about until the kid caught up to him as they were leaving. Ben was ahead of him and determined to catch a cab because he was paying that night and it had started to rain. The waiter caught Caleb by the elbow and asked if it was a mistake. Caleb looked down at the check and couldn’t stop the laugh that bubbled out of him. 

“That’s what he meant to do. Have a good night kid, keep your head up,” 

It was after Ben was on the street holding open the door to a cab and he said, “There you are, get in, this drive is really impatient and-.”

Caleb cut him off with a kiss. The cab driver banged his hands against the wheel in frustration. 

“How are you….why are you….” Caleb couldn’t get the words out and Ben looked at him with concern. 

“Whatever I am I hope it’s something good.”

Caleb had pushed him into the cab and when it stopped outside Ben’s apartment Ben threw wad of cash at the driver and pulled Caleb out by the wrist.

“You sure this is okay?” Caleb asked him with his back against the inside of Ben’s door.

Ben nodded and dragged him by the front of the shirt towards his bedroom. 

 

******

 

“I can’t believe you only have one pillow.”

“I told you.”

“I thought you were kidding. Everyone has at least two pillows. You don’t even have those uncomfortable throw pillows that get shoved off when you climb in.”

Ben shook his head and slid it towards Caleb. “You can have it if you want it.”

Caleb balled it up and stuck it beneath his head. Ben blinked at him. 

“I was just being polite.”

“Too bad, richy rich, Caleb said around a yawn. “You can afford a ton of pillows. No excuses.” 

 

In the morning Ben was alone. All Caleb left behind was an empty space next to him and a note on the coffee maker. 

_Had an early shift and didn’t want to wake you. I’ll see you later. Buy another pillow._

Ben stared at the note for a long time. He could keep those fresh, fluttery feelings while knowing everything about him. It didn’t have to be either or. 

He took the note off the coffee maker and stuck it on the fridge. 

 

*****

 

**Ben:**

Do you like it hard or soft?

 

He got a call from Caleb a second later.

“You know I’m at work right?”

“You’re on your break? Didn’t I time it right?”

“Yeah, but I’m still in the building. There are people around,” he whispered.

“Why are you talking so quietly. They make a million different types of pillows so how do you like them? I don’t want to get you the wrong one…..Caleb?”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m in Bed Bath & Beyond and I’m getting you a pillow. What kind do you like?”

“Oh my god,” Caleb dissolved into laughter and Ben tapped his foot against the floor. “Oh my god. I did not expect this when I read that text.”

“What were you expecting.”

“Take what you said out of context. Do you like it hard or soft? I thought for a second it was your weird, awkward way of trying to sext me.”

“You think I would do that in the middle of the day while I knew you were at work, while I’m supposed to be at work, and that’s the best I could come up with? And I’m not awkward.”

“You’re a little awkward sometimes.”

“I am not.”

“Yes, you are. It’s cute and endearing and I really like it but you are awkward,” he sighed and Ben could hear his smile through the phone when he softly said “and you're buying me a pillow.”

“Yeah.”

“You know you don’t have to do that.”

“I want to and I’m going to. I have twenty minutes left to my lunch so tell me what you want.”

“That sounds like phone sex.”

“I’m hanging up. I’m going to get you the most uncomfortable one I can fine, see ya.”

 

*****

 

When school let out mid-June Ben made plans with one of the contractors Selah knew to begin work on the house. 

He had a vision. He had plans. He had to say goodbye to Caleb for the summer. 

“I don't know why you're why you're sulking, Benny. I can come up on the weekends.”

“Sackett will let you have that much time off?”

“He owes me a ton of vacation days and there's always a flood of college kids coming in during the summer so I won't be missed. They like the weekend shifts. They're busier so they make more in tips. I can rent a car-.”

“I can rent you a car.”

“I can rent my own car, and I can drive up there,” Caleb stopped and looked at him out of the corner of his eye. “You want me to come up on the weekends?”

“I think I need you up there,” he admitted. “I don’t know how I feel about doing all of this. I want to and I know I need to but still….I’m going to be turning everything around. Nothing is going to be like how it was.”

“Maybe that’s the point. Maybe you need to start over.”

“That’s what I thought I was doing here.”

Caleb leaned over the table and kissed his forehead. “It can be both.”

 

*****

 

Caleb brought cookies the first time. He hopped out of his rental with a duffle bag over his shoulder and a tupperware in his hands.

“Julia made them. She says hi.”

“Are they poisoned?”

“No,” Caleb laughed. “I made her eat one in front of me.”

“Did you really?”

“No, how much of an asshole do you think I am?”

“I’ll tell you at the end of the weekend. Tell her I say hi back. You know she could come up once it’s all finished or sooner. For the 4th of July the next town over does fireworks and you can see them from the water. We’ll probably have a second bedroom still livable by then. Would that be weird?”

“A little bit, maybe.” 

“Sorry I’m babbling, I’m just excited to see you.”

“Well you could shut up and come over here and prove it.”

Ben smiled and slid into his space for a kiss.

“Anna wants to have us for dinner.”

“Do you cook for yourself, ever? Because the whole time I’ve known you it’s either been me, another waiter, or Anna giving you food.”

“I can fend for myself. How do you think I got through college?”

“With beer, pop-tarts, and ramen. Same as everyone else.”

“I’ll prove it. I bought a waffle maker and in the morning I’ll make you some.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it, now show me around.”

Ben told him all the plans. Make the bedroom and master bath bigger. More closet space. Completely redo the electrical lines and install central air. 

“I’m thinking about putting in a fireplace. I haven’t decided yet. But I want an island in the kitchen and we’re turning my old room into an office or whatever.”

The contractor had suggested a nursery on the walk through. Ben had mumbled out a response along the lines of “I’m not sure when that’ll be happening” and he slapped Ben on the back and replied _“not, getting any younger, kid”_ and kept walking. It’s a story he didn’t feel needed to be repeated. 

“There’s a lot to do,” he absentmindedly kicked at a drop cloth on the floor. “And all that is the major stuff. There’s a ton of details too.” He blew out of a breath and gathered Caleb close to him by the belt loops. “You’ll help me pick out paint colors, right? By then I’m going to be sick of everything.”

Caleb nodded and ran his hand down Ben’s back as he looked out the window. 

“You fixed the dock?”

“It was the first thing I had them do. Only took them a few days. We can fix the canoe if you want. I already ordered all the stuff we need and I’ve been watching videos on youtube about it.”

 

*****

 

“Is it floating? Are we good?”

“I think it’s okay.”

Caleb did little to hide the joy from his voice when they first got the canoe in the water. It took them a few weekends and a couple of failures but they finally got it right. 

They spent most of their time out in the boat. Drifting around for hours in the sun with Ben waking Caleb up every few to make sure he reapplied sunscreen.

Hours later Caleb would row back to the dock and they’d head into the house, tired and tanned, and Caleb would sit at the (brand new) kitchen island while Ben would make dinner and afterwards they’d curl up on the couch or the bed, whichever was easier to get to with the ongoing construction and watch a movie. 

“You think about getting a real boat? One with a motor?” Caleb asked him one night. His feet were in Ben’s lap and Ben was poring over blueprints on the coffee table. 

“What’s wrong with the canoe?”

“Nothing when I’m the one rowing. Jesus, I feel like we’re in The Notebook.”

“Have you seen that movie?”

“Have you not? Oh, I know what we’re doing next weekend.”

 

*****

 

“So I bought a car.”

“That's probably a good idea.”

Caleb’s end was slightly staticy and loud from him walking home in a crowd. 

“Yeah, and then I bought a second car.”

“Why’d you do that?”

“It’s not brand new or anything but it doesn’t have a ton of miles on it. Might be nice to have a second car.”

“Okay. I guess.”

“And I also figured it doesn’t really make sense to leave it one place or the other and I know you’re spending a lot of money on rental cars every weekend so….”

There was long bout of silence then he heard Caleb take a deep breath.

“You bought me a car?”

“No, no, it’s my car. My names on the title and everything. I figured you could borrow it. You have a parking place at your building, right?”

Caleb sighed, hung up, then called back thirty seconds later.

“I’m not happy about this but I’m filling the gas tank every time.”

“You really don’t have to do that.”

“Every. Time.”

 

*****

 

Now both cars are parked in the driveway and Ben waits for the coffee to brew while he listens to Caleb bump around in the bedroom getting dressed. 

The top step squeaks, they haven’t gotten around to fixing it, and Caleb comes down with damp hair and water droplets on the shoulders of his shirt. 

“I was thinking about giving a key to Cicero. Maybe he could come by and check on the place for me. I'd pay him. He should start saving up for a car. I know Abigail won't just buy him one.”

“Why don't you just buy him one,” Caleb says as he wraps his arms around his middle from behind. Ben smiles and runs his hand along Caleb's arm where it's crossed in front of him. “Why don't you pay for his college tuition while you're at it? Thomas’s too.” 

Ben hums and Caleb kisses his shoulder over his t-shirt. 

“You'd really do that?” 

He's considered it. The updates have cost him quite a bit but he's been talking to his fathers, now his, advisor and things are looking good. There are worse things to spend money on. 

“Anonymously, of course.”

Ben can hear the smile in Caleb's face when he mumbles “of course.” 

Anna and Selah are the only ones that know and Ben didn't even tell them face to face. 

Ben was in the city on speakerphone as they made dinner upstate and Selah told Ben he knew a couple of contractors that could help him out. 

“Reliable, trustworthy and pretty reasonably priced. It's going to cost you doing all that work but they could probably make you a deal since you're from here.”

“Yeah, about that,” Ben said and then told them everything, ending it with , “please don't tell this to anyone else.”

There was complete silence. Terrifying, absolute, silence. 

Then there was a tapping sound, Ben figured Selah was shaking sauce off a wooden spoon on the edge of the pot and he cleared his throat. 

“Okay. I know a few guys that'll charge you an arm and a leg if that's what you're into.”

He's never told the others outright but he thinks they have their suspicions. Abigail knows you can't renovate a house like this on a teacher's salary and Abe keeps trying to talk him into getting jet skies. 

“You are unbelievable with money to burn.”

“You won’t let me spend it on you.”

“No, I won’t. You got another letter from the school?”

“Yup. Add it to the pile.”

Once they heard Ben was back in town the offers started pouring in. He was even cornered in the market by the principal who wouldn’t let him go until Ben promised to call and set up a meeting with him. Ben never did. 

“I wish they’d leave me alone.”

“It’s flattering though, right?” He picks up the letter and reads it over, whistling low when he gets to the salary amount at the bottom. “Woah. I know you don’t need the money but Jesus, I didn’t know schools could pay teachers this much.”

“They don’t. They can’t. This is unusual.”

“They really want you.”

Ben hums and takes the letter from Caleb. 

“Are you thinking about taking it? Ben.”

“What?”

“You are thinking about taking it.”

“I'm not I'm just…” he sighs. “I have things in the city.”

“Things?”

“I….”

“It's a shame you've built this lovely little house to only use it three months out of the year.”

“That was your idea.”

“Sometimes ideas change.”

“I'd be away from you for too long.”

“You mean like how we are now? I’d come up for the weekend.”

“You could really swing that?”

Caleb winces. “Most weekends.”

“So we'd just do that for the rest of our lives?”

“The rest of our lives?” 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that, I just….I don’t know. How long is too long for a long distance relationship?”

“It’s working well so far.”

“Yeah,” Ben answers as he pours Caleb’s coffee into a mug. He’s right. It’s working very well and there’s enough going on with the house during the week that it passes quickly but at some point that’s going to stop. If he stays here they’ll be nothing to distract him once the house is finished. He’s going to want more than seeing him on the weekends. He already wants more. “If I took the job would you ever-.”

Ben doesn’t even know what he’s asking but Caleb answers anyways. 

“I have my uncle in the city.”

“Right,” Ben hands the mug over and feels like an idiot. He knows there’s color on his cheeks and Caleb puts his palm on his hip as he presses the mug back into Ben’s hand. 

“I need a travel mug.”

“Yes, obviously.”

“You know I’d really like to stay. I would if I could. ”

Ben heaves a sigh. “I know. You’re coming back this weekend?”

“I’m always here on the weekends.”

“I know but this weekend we’re…”

“Having everyone over so they can see the progress, I know, I know. I didn’t forget. It was my idea. Should I bring the cake? Is it cruel to give them a taste when they’re all the way up here and don’t have easy access to it?”

“Why don’t we keep it our little secret?” he says as he hands him the travel mug. Caleb takes a sip. “I’ll walk you out.”

“You don’t have any shoes on. The lawn is filled with nails. I’ll call you when I get home, okay?”

 

*****

 

“Thank you, Ben, for essentially getting my son a playmate for the summer.”

Ben smiles at Abby and looks off the deck at the lake. Caleb and Cicero are circling Abe in the canoe while Abe treads water. Selah’s sitting on the dock with his feet in the water as Abe tries to overturn the canoe. 

Ben raises the bottle of hard lemonade to his lips (Mary brought them and he started drinking one to be nice but now he's on his third so he's past niceties and straight on to enjoying it). The skin on his shoulders feels tight with sunburn and he knows the tops of his cheeks and down his nose are red too. 

Anna and Abby are wrapped in towels with their feet on the porch railing and Mary is rocking Thomas. 

In the water Selah jumps in and drags Abe beneath the water. They’re under long enough for Caleb and Cicero to lean over the edge of the canoe and for Ben to tense on the deck but then they both come up laughing and sputtering and Caleb jumps in the water to let Abe take his place. Abe’s slight enough that he can get in without tipping it over even though Cicero looks less than sure.

Caleb pulls himself onto the dock and rubs the towel over his hair then looks at the house and waves. Ben raises his bottle to him.

“I think I'm in love with him.”

His friends are silent behind him so he finishes the rest of his drink and turns around. They’re already looking at him. 

“Have you told him that?” Anna asks. 

“No. This is the first time I’ve said it aloud.”

“Ever.”

He nods and Anna’s on her feet hugging him, wet hair against the side of his neck.

“Oh Ben, you are going to tell him, aren’t you?”

“I don’t know.”

“Oh come on, tell him.”

“I don’t want to rush anything. It’s good the way it is.”

“It could be great. It's so great, Ben.”

“I know,” he pauses and rolls his shoulder. He wants another lemonade. 

“Are you worried about how he’ll react?” Abigail asks carefully. 

“No, not really.”

He’s almost certain Caleb feels the same way. The way he looks at him and touches him. There has to be something more.

“It’s not about him. I’ll tell him. I know I should.”

“You sound like you’re dreading it.”

“I’m not. It’s just-.” 

He’s interrupted by Caleb calling him from the dock, waving his arms and yelling at him to get _your ass down here right now._

“He wants you.”

“He wants to push me in,” Ben sighs but make his way down the steps, dropping the bottles in the recycling as he goes. 

Ben walks towards him with his hands up and Caleb lifts his innocently. 

Caleb still has drops of water in his eyelashes and his skin is hot to the touch from the sun. 

Abe splashes them with the oar and Caleb is out of Ben’s arms and in the water flipping the canoe. 

 

*****

 

“You need aloe,” Caleb steps beside him and presses two fingers to the top of his shoulder. “Does it hurt?”

Everyone cleared out about a half an hour ago. They’re cleaning up in the kitchen. Caleb keeps producing plates that need to be washed and bottles that need to be recycled out of nowhere. He had no idea his small group of friends could create this much of a mess. 

“It’s not too bad. I should’ve grabbed a bottle from Abigail. I don’t think we have any.”

Caleb lifts his fingers and watches his skin return to red once it’s relieved of pressure. “I can run out and get some tomorrow.”

“Hmmm.”

“You okay? You seem distracted. Have been all day.”

“I’m fine. Just miss you.”

“I’m right here.”

“I miss you when you’re gone.”

Caleb kisses him before he can tell him how he feels. 

 

*****

 

Ben’s brushing his teeth in the newly redesigned bathroom (double sinks, walk in shower) when Caleb’s phone rings. He hears him groan and smiles around his toothbrush when he hears Caleb’s feet hit the ground and the expletive that flies out of his mouth. It takes some digging to find his phone (in the back pocket of the jeans he wore yesterday) and answer it. 

He turns on the water and tries not to eavesdrop. Calling this late it’s probably a wrong number or Anna or Abe trying to reach Ben to figure out what they’re going to do next weekend. 

Ben comes out of the bathroom with his hand raised and ready to take the phone so Caleb can shower. He takes one look at Caleb and drops it.

Caleb has the phone pressed tight to his ear with one hand and the other is across his mouth. His eyes are closed and he’s nodding his head and all the color is gone from his face. It’s like he didn’t spend all day in the sun. 

“Caleb?”

His eyes open. He looks frantic. He looks how Ben looked when he got the call about his father and brother and their car down an embankment and it hits Ben that this is the same thing. 

He gasps and Caleb nods one more time before he hangs up. 

“Caleb?”

Caleb springs into action grabbing clothing and looking for his wallet and keys and shoes.

“How bad is it? What happened?”

“I don’t know, I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“I didn’t even hear them, after awhile I couldn’t understand…”

Ben knows that feeling. He was listening to the police officer and all the sudden he wasn’t. Everything was fuzzy like white noise.

Caleb’s tearing the place apart. His hands are shaking around the phone.

“Okay, it’s alright,” Ben soothes. “Give me your phone I’ll call them back and we’ll figure it out.”

“I don’t have time to figure it out,” Caleb snaps. “I have to get into the city. Where the hell are my keys?”

“It’ll take too long and you can’t drive like this.”

“What the hell do you want me to do?”

“There’s an airport not that’s far from here. It’s private but they’ll get you down there in half of the time. I think they land in Jersey but I’ll call ahead and get you a car that’ll take you the rest of the way.”

“That’s too much, I can’t afford that.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Ben.”

“I said don’t worry about it,” he’s pulling on jeans and making sure his wallet is tucked into the back pocket when he looks at Caleb. 

He’s standing across the room with his shirt on inside out and backwards, one sneaker on, laces untied, with watery eyes.

“Ben,” he says again, broken and desperate and Ben crosses the room to him and tucks his body against his own with his hand on the back of his neck holding his head tight to his chest. 

“It’s going to be okay. I promise.”

 

******

 

The day Ben buried his father and brother is snowed. The ground crunched beneath his feet as what felt like the whole town crowded into the cemetery to pay their final respects. Anna stood on one side of him and Abigail on the other with Abe just behind. He could feel the pressure of their gloved hands through his coat on his arms and back, letting him know they were here for him, they were his warmth in the cold. 

The day Caleb buries Lucas Brewster it’s in the middle of a late August heat wave. The air is stale and humid and there’s only a handful of people around the plot, Ben and Caleb included. Caleb stands a foot away from Ben with his hands clasped in front of him listening to the priest speak. He’s wearing Ben’s sunglasses. He couldn’t find his own. That morning Ben had leaned against the door jam between the bedroom and living room and watched him tear through the entire apartment looking. When he stood in the middle of the kitchen with his fists pressed into his eyes Ben stepped forward and offered his own. Caleb took them without a word. Without making eye contact. Ben smoothed his hair down and tried to fix his crooked tie but Caleb had flinched away. The was the last time they touched. His tie is still crooked. 

After, he turns his back on Ben to talk to his uncle's nurses and Ben tries not to let that sting. He did the same thing. He shook off his friends and sat in his car until everyone left, the caskets were covered and the falling snow hid the fresh dirt. 

He waits for him on a bench in the shade. He takes his coat off and watches Caleb stick his hand out and the nurses pull him into a hug. He looks stiff and uncomfortable in their arms and Ben wants for it to be over for Caleb and for himself. He wants to be in their place with his hands on his back and telling him everything will be okay. He wants for it to be true this time. 

He takes off his sunglasses before he gets over to Ben and hands them over once they’re within arm's reach. Then he digs into his pocket for his keyring and takes off the car and the house key (given to him by a very nervous Ben who tried desperately to brush it off like it was no big deal) and hands those over as well. 

“I think you should take that job,” Caleb tells him and Ben takes a step closer. Caleb dips his hands into his pockets and looks at his shoes. “Go live in your new house and I should stay here.”

Ben touches his elbow and doesn’t pursue him further when he pulls away. “Let’s go somewhere and talk about this. We can’t do this here.”

Caleb doesn’t follow him.

“Caleb, come on.”

“I missed it. I should have been here instead of playing house with you upstate. He was alone, Ben. I should have been here.”

“So you’re punishing yourself? There’s nothing you could’ve done.”

“You have no idea what-.”

“I know exactly what you’re going through. I know how it feels like. I blamed myself. What if I had picked a different restaurant to meet at? What if I had driven with Sam instead of my father going with him? What if I had decided to have dessert that night? Why didn’t I just cancel? I know it all and I know exactly what you’re doing. I did it too for way too long. Don't do this to yourself.”

“I need space.”

“Space?”

“Yeah.”

“I did that too. I isolated myself for months. It wasn't healthy and I wasn't happy and if I hadn't of met you I’d probably still be miserable. Don't do it. Don't make me let you do it. Please.”

“It's easier this way. A clean break. Let's get out before either one of us gets in too deep.”

“In too deep?” Ben’s chest feels tight. He rubs his hand over it. “So you’re not in deep already? This doesn’t mean anything to you?”

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“It just doesn't mean enough to you?”

“It’s easier this way,” he repeats and Ben wants to ask for who but he’s so hurt by what’s happening he can’t do it. There’s no right answer. 

Ben’s shoulders slump in defeat. The keys feel heavy in his hands. 

“If this is what you want I’ll go.”

Caleb scuffs his dress shoe against the ground. It’s been so dry lately a cloud of dust floats up.

“I think you should.”

It’s 95 degrees but Ben feels cold all over as he jams his hands in his pockets and nods his head.

“Fine. Okay. I hope this is enough space for you. 

Caleb doesn’t reply and Ben finds his car and drives straight home. 

 

******

 

Anna sends out a group text that she expects them all for dinner on Saturday. 

Ben calls her back and she starts talking before he even says hello. 

“You should be cooking for us.”

“The house is a mess.” It’s true. Right now the kitchen is covered in a thin layer of sawdust. The couch is on the front porch. 

“You won’t be able to use that excuse forever. One day it’s all going to be over and you’ll have this beautiful home and you’re going to invite all of us over. Everyone. Even the guys we hated in high school just to rub it in. Wouldn’t that be the best way to reveal that you’re actually rolling in it? Gather them all in one room and say “I’m rich bitches” then hand out hundreds on your way out.”

“I’m not that rich.”

“Ben, you’re the richest man in town. You’re our Mr. Potter. But you are having a big party. Cater if you have to, I’m sure you can afford that. Are you two coming on Saturday or not?”

“Yeah,” Ben sighs. “We’ll be there.”

 

******

 

He shows up late and empty handed. 

Seleh ushers him in with a hand on his elbow and a “where’s Caleb?”

Ben ignores him and takes one of the empty seats next to Mary. 

Everyone stares at him. 

“Where’s Caleb?” Anna appears from the kitchen with Cicero following close behind her holding a bowl of dinner rolls. “I texted him earlier and he didn’t answer. He mentioned something about a place to get cake in the city and it’s bothering me that he won’t tell me anymore about it. He said you wouldn’t tell me anything either so I shouldn’t even try. I’m going to drag it out of him,” she pauses and fills Ben’s wineglass. “I guess I’ll just ask him when he comes up next weekend.”

Ben takes a long sip. “He’s not going to be coming up.”

“He couldn’t get the time off.”

“He’s coming up next weekend, right?” Cicero asks and it’s so endearing and sad that Ben feels a rush of anger towards Caleb. 

Ben takes a deep breath and puts his drink down before he says “Caleb’s uncle died on Sunday,” he pauses as Anna and Mary gasp then says “and he broke up with me on Thursday so no, I don’t think he’s coming up next weekend. I’m sorry.”

“What happened?”

“With what?”

Anna sputters. “With everything? What happened to his uncle, why didn’t you tell us, why’d he break up with you?”

“He said needed space. Like I don’t know what that means. His uncle had been sick for awhile so it wasn’t out of the blue but he was up here with me instead of down there with him so that’s-.”

“That’s not your fault, Ben,” Selah says.

“Tell him that.” 

The whole table is speechless and looking at him with sad eyes and he feels awful about ruining dinner. 

“I’m going to go.”

He stands up to a chorus of _“no, stay,” “please stay,” “I’m so sorry”_ and shakes his head. 

It’s easier for him to leave. 

 

*****

 

He accepts the job. Everyone at the school is thrilled and Ben can only give them a tight smile in return. 

 

*****

 

He ends his lease on his apartment. After his landlord gets all pissy about it until he drives down to the city to pay the rest of the year's rent in cash and moves things out himself.

“We’ll be sorry to see you go,” he tells Ben as he pockets the money.

 

***** 

 

“Ben, hi,” Julia looks flustered for a moment before she carefully slides her arms around his neck. Over her shoulder Caleb is watching them. “Are you sticking around? Can I get you something to eat?”

“I have to leave or I’ll hit traffic. I just wanted to come say goodbye.”

She frowns and slips her arms back from his neck and he looks at her instead of Caleb. “Let me get you some coffee for the ride home.”

“It’s okay.”

“I insist,” she says with enough fire in her voice to make Ben nod his head. She turns around and snaps her fingers at Caleb. 

He rolls his eyes then hangs his head as he walks over to him. 

Ben sticks his arm straight out with a plastic bag dangling from his finger. “You left these at my apartment and up at the house. Some clothes and a pair of headphones. Thought you’d want them back. I chucked the toothbrush.”

“Thanks,” Caleb says as he carefully removes the bag from his fingers. “So you took the job?”

“Isn’t that what you wanted me to do?”

“Yes.”

“Well good, glad you got what you wanted. See you around. Maybe.”

“Ben, wait,” Caleb calls and Ben pauses. “I’m going to pay you back.”

“For what?”

“For the flight. How much was it?”

“You’re not paying me back.”

“It’s not right for me to let you do that.”

“It’s already done. I’d do it all over again.”

“Let me pay you. I’ll find out on my own. I’ll send you a check. A lot of checks.”

“I don’t want your money.”

“I don’t want yours either.”

It’s a tense moment that Julia breaks when she steps between them with his coffee and hugs him one more time. 

“I’m really going to miss you,” she says softly as she smoothes away the wrinkles in the front of his shirt. “You were my best tipper. Don’t be a stranger, okay?”

“Thank you, Julia, for everything.”

He lets her go and walks out. 

 

*****

 

On a warm Thursday evening Anna and Abe show up. Abe’s holding a six pack and Anna has a bottle of red. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” Ben says. The beers are gone (Abe should have brought a case) and they’re slowly working their way through the wine. It’s the first time he’s actually spoken all night. “I thought maybe he’d come back before it was brought up. It was stupid.”

“It’s okay,” Anna says. 

“Is this how it felt when I left?”

“A little. It’s probably not exactly the same but yeah, this is how it was.”

“Sucks. I’m sorry.”

Anna shrugs and plays it off only because Ben is back now and things are fixing themselves. “You needed time, just like he does. And you came back, Ben, don’t forget that.”

 

*****

 

**Ben:**

I’m not cashing these checks stop sending them to me. 

 

**Ben:**

Seriously. I’m ripping them up. 

 

**Ben:**

Fine. But I’m giving all of it to the library so they can get new books. 

 

**Ben:**

Okay Caleb. I get it. 

 

*****

 

It’s easy to fall into the old routine. 

Sometimes it feels like nothing has changed. He lies in bed just before the alarm goes off and pretends that he’s in his old house just down the road. His father is awake and already reading the paper and his brother is at his apartment getting ready to hit the snooze button for the fourth time. 

He’s never spent any considerable amount of time in New York City. 

He doesn’t know a Caleb Brewster. 

Then the alarm blares and the ceiling is painted a different color and everything is gone except for Caleb. He’s right there at the surface. 

 

*****

 

The kids welcome him back. They don’t hold his absence against him. He knows he’ll have dozens of letters of recommendation to write come the new year because he won’t be able to turn any of them down. They might not hold it against him but he does.

They’re good kids. He loves to teach. 

When he gets home his new expensive house, filled with the newest appliances and gadgets, feels empty. 

 

*****

 

The leaves start to change color and Ben gets invited to Abe’s on Halloween to hand out candy. 

Thomas is dressed as a lobster and Mary hauls him around in a pot. 

She deposits him on Abe’s lap so she can run in and get more candy. Abe lifts him out and lets him try to stand on his own. He’s still a little wobbly. 

“Nothing from Caleb?” Abe asks and Ben snorts around a fun sized Snickers.

“You’re blunt.

“I’m just wondering.”

“I haven’t.” He finishes off the candy and starts in on a new one. He’s just at the beginning of a stomachache. “He paid off his plane ticket a few weeks ago so I don’t think I’ll hear anything from him.”

“You thinking about moving on?”

Ben cuts him with a look and Abe holds his hands up. Thomas grips onto his leg. 

“I know I’m being blunt but we all hate to see you like this and this is a small town…”

“What does that mean?”

“It means people are starting to ask about you. Some people are asking if you’re single again and if you maybe want to give them a call sometime.”

“They are not.”

“Are too. I have numbers for you. I could get numbers for you. They’ve been asking Mary too. It’s a small town, Ben. You’re young and good looking and you know….the money.”

Ben narrows his eyes. “You don’t know anything about my money.”

“Yeah, tell that to your million dollar home renovations. I’m not an idiot. You can’t be like this forever.”

“I know.” 

“I’m not trying to make you feel bad-.”

“I do enough of that on my own.”

Abe tips his head and lifts Thomas into his lap. “Maybe stop eating so much candy. It’s a good place to start.”

Ben thinks _baby steps_ as Abe lifts the bowl off Ben’s lap and hands Thomas over. 

Thomas slaps happily at his face until he falls asleep with his head resting over Ben’s heart.

 

*****

 

“What do you want me to bring for Thanksgiving?”

“Honey, just bring yourself.”

“Abby, I can make something. You don’t have to do it all. Why don’t you have it here? I’ve got more than enough space.”

“My house is just fine. Bring flowers if you need to, they’re always appreciated.”

He gets the feeling his friends have been walking on eggshells around him lately. It’s his first family oriented holiday that he’s spent alone and they’ve been desperate to take his mind off it. Even though the house looks a lot different it’s still a connection to the past. 

He buys Abigail sunflower and she kisses his cheek as she takes them.

He helps her and Cicero in the kitchen, then helps Abe and Selah set the table. 

Once they’re finished eating they head to the living room for dessert and to fight over space on the couch. 

Ben ends up on the ground and he thinks wistfully about his 8 foot sectional at home until he starts a conversation with Cicero about Yale and if he that’s something he’d want to pursue. 

The later it gets the more people drag with alcohol or extra pieces of pie.

It’s time to go home when he sees Abe and Mary lying on the couch with Thomas between them and Selah and Anna talking quietly over a slice of cheesecake at the kitchen table and he thinks of Caleb. 

He sends out a Happy Thanksgiving text as Abigail puts enough food in tupperware to last him a week. 

Ben doesn't expect a reply and when he wakes up in the morning to an empty screen he’s glad he set his expectations so low. 

 

*****

 

The kids are chatty after Thanksgiving break and Ben comes home that Monday with a headache. 

He also comes home to a second car sitting in the driveway and Caleb on his front steps.

Ben takes a few minutes to breathe in his car before he gets out. He grabs his bag off the passenger seat and water bottle from the cup holder and walks to his house like it was any other day. 

“I gave you my key back,” he says when Ben stands in front of him.

“Yeah.”

“I…”

“Come in,” Ben cuts him off. He’s not having this conversation on the porch “It’s cold.”

Caleb kicks his shoes off and follows Ben into the kitchen. 

There’s a standoff over who will speak first. 

Ben kind of wants it to be nice him. He wants to softly tell him it’s okay and he’s so happy to see him and they can forget everything so long as Caleb has a bag in the car and he’s planning on staying. 

At the same time he wants to yell and scream and not let this go. 

But he knows how Caleb is feeling. He remembers how all he wanted was for someone to be nice to him and not to push. Caleb did that for him and now he has to return the favor.

It’s silent and Ben doesn’t know what to do. It’s too late for coffee. He wants dinner and the fridge is still full of Thanksgiving leftovers. He doesn’t know if he should offer any to Caleb. He’s not sure he’d take them. 

“The house looks nice,” Caleb says and Ben waits until he’s turned his back on him to open the fridge to roll his eyes.

He dumps the containers on the counter and reaches for a plate. “Do you want some?”

“Did you make it?”

“Abby did. It's from Thanksgiving. Do you want some or not?” 

Caleb nods and Ben's slides a plate and a spoon over to him. 

“I got your text.”

Ben nods and loads stuffing onto his plate. 

“That’s why I’m here.”

“You could have called or texted back.”

“I wanted to see you.”

“Okay.”

“You’re not going to make this easy for me, are you?”

“I’m trying, Caleb, I really am but it’s been months.”

“I know and I understand if you want me to leave or if you’re over me.”

Ben scoffs and picks up both their plates even though Caleb wasn’t ready. He pops Caleb’s into the microwave first. 

“I’m not over you.”

“Really?”

Ben turns around at the hopefulness in his voice and Caleb is ready to apologize.

“I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t expect anything from you and I can’t just walk in here and hope things will go back to the way they were. You’re already being way nicer than I deserve. You can kick me out if you want.”

“I couldn’t do that. It would be kind of hypocritical if I did.”

The microwave beeps and Ben replaces Caleb’s plate with his own.

“Is that the only reason why you couldn’t do it?”

Ben sighs and slides a fork across the island at him. “Why are you here again?”

“I wanted to see you. I missed you. I think I was wrong. Space wasn’t what I needed and I lied to you when I said we should stop it before we got in too deep because I was already in deep and I know it wasn’t your fault that I wasn’t with him when it happened. I think I blamed you and that was wrong.”

“It wasn’t your fault either.”

“I know. I think I do. I’m starting to. I really missed you.”

“I missed you too.”

The corners of Caleb’s lips pull up and Ben can’t stop his from doing the same.

“The city wasn’t really home anymore. It didn’t feel like it when we were together. I happiest up here with you and I know I can’t just waltz back into your life but I was wondering-.”

“Caleb, I’m in deep too.”

Caleb smiles all out and the microwave beeps again. 

It’s started to snow and the heat kicks on. 

There’s notch on the height chart on the doorframe with Caleb’s name on it and the spot next to Ben on the couch and in his bed has been empty for far too long. 

"I'm glad you came home."

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not opposed to the idea of a sequel.


End file.
